My manager was speaking to me today about whether I journal of this pregnancy journey. I did think of doing so but I realised that when I start writing (like literally hand-writing it down), I tend to write a lot. And after a while, I would feel like typing.
Since blogger is now on mobile, I figured why not return back to blogging and typing out my thoughts and journey? Whether is it from the laptop or on my phone, it would be convenient and at least I'll have an avenue for journaling my thoughts and journey.
Why journal?
Since the start of my pregnancy, I have not been feeling the most positive or elated. This pregnancy came very early; earlier than expected and I wasn't mentally or spiritually or even financially prepared for it. What's worse is that I did the test on the day when I wanted to hand in my resignation letter and leaving the job without another job. I was up to my limit at work already and when I saw the test result, it just stopped me in my tracks. And till now, I am still stuck at work with a not-so-pleasant work attitude. I feel trapped. Trapped that I'm in this job cos of the baby.
I guess that's where all the negativity comes in. I have cried 2 times thus far: once when I first threw up before dinner, and felt so lonely when eating dinner alone. I just felt a lot of suffering and I felt it unnecessary. Second was last night when, after visiting the delivery suite in Mt Alvernia, I got so frightened, fearful and unprepared that I just burst out in tears. I suspect I have mild pre-natal depression but my sister told me not to tell the gynae cos the medication prescribed may not be good for the baby. There's truth in it. Nonetheless, crying helps release a lot of emotions and loosens up the tension within me. I'm feeling better now. I think journaling will help me too.
I have also just text Geraldine about the recent happenings and am glad that she listens and gave me some advice and will also be praying for me. I'm glad I have an accountability partner and someone I can share with; someone who had been through it and though may not know in full the extent of my negativity, at least, is someone who has not and will not condemn.
My thoughts for now--Prayers
When I started to be aware of the negativity, I really wanted it out of my life and mind. I know that the only way is through prayer and reading God's Word. But I want more than just the Bible, I need some guidance and help. I started searching for "praying through pregnancy" and viola! I found a book written by Jennifer Polimino! Actually, I have browsed through that book previously and I thought it's really good. But cos I was just married (or haven't gotten married yet), I just put down the book and noted to myself to consider buying it next time when I'm planning for a child. Looks like this book might just come in handy! Hoping to buy it tomorrow and start reading although I'm 7 weeks late!
I have also started saying a short and dependent prayer before taking my supplements. The pills are really hard to swallow and it's quite big. It's a psychological barrier as well. But I want to depend on God and depend on prayer to help me get through every single pill that I have to take for the next 7 months and more. Every little prayer helps.
Prayer requests
I pray that God will turn my eyes towards Him throughout this journey and I would receive fresh insights and a more positive spirit through this pregnancy. I certainly don't want to pass on the negativity to the baby.
I want to be more prayer-dependent.
I want to have more faith.
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