Before the journey ends, I thought I should have a post on our thoughts on the journey. I asked Chris recently about it and here was his reply:
He said he felt more pressure and felt that everything came at one go. He wished he could settle things one at a time; first the job then the baby, then the house etc. So to him, it feels like everything came altogether. Doesn't sound too positive ):
This is my thoughts:
It has been quite a journey with these keywords: acceptance, overwhelmed, numb preparation, jitters, hindsight gratefulness
Acceptance. Because the pregnancy came at a time when I wanted to leave my job, it's really hard to accept this reality. I even thought I wouldn't be able to carry the baby through my work due to my work nature. I wasn't liking the pace, the heavy job scope and the language used. I had in mind an ideal situation where I would relax at home, read books, listen to music, cultivate a suitable environment for my foetus to grow and develop holistically; not in a working environment with much negativity in me. So, it took me much prayers and lamentation before I accept this news.
Overwhelmed. As I entered the journey, I realised it is sooooo different from that of planning a wedding! In planning a wedding, there are so many tips and advice, and there's a standard template or guide or flow that you can follow. But not so for a pregnancy journey. Information was all over the place and I can't seem to get a good guide on Step 1, do this, Step 2, do this. Or, at xx month, do this, at xx month, do that. I was overwhelmed by the vast amount of information that is available and need to absorb but can't. Things like what you can eat and can't eat (I can't take raw food, soft-boiled eggs, coffee, tea, soft-serve ice cream...sobs), what you can and cannot do etc, things to buy etc. And this leads me to my 3rd keyword...
Numb preparation. I added a word "numb" to describe the preparation because it feels like I'm just going through the motion.
Antenatal package, checked.
Supplements, checked.
Antenatal class, checked.
Post-natal massage lady, checked.
Confinement lady, checked.
Clothes, checked.
Shampoo and soap, checked.
Car seat, checked.
Cot, checked.
It just goes on and on, and it's like checking off a checklist rather than being excited and all coo-ey about each item. I was trying to get the best deals, second-hand deals, and trying to manage the expenses. It feels so task-oriented ):
Jitters. It comes at different stages. Because of the FB group I'm in, and each person's experience is different, I hear lots of stories. First, it was miscarriages. Then it was fibroids. Now, it's induction birth and various birth stories. Hearing the different stories make me scared that it would happen to me too. That's when the jitters come in. Thank God that I didn't have a miscarriage, I didn't have fibroids and the doctor has not suggested induction.
Hindsight gratefulness. As was written in my previous post, the thing I am most thankful for was the hospitalisation leave which gave me 2 months of no-work prior to the maternity leave. I believe that this is God answering my prayer, in a way, of having that bit of ideal, quiet, peaceful and spiritual preparation for baby. I thank God for that. Thank God for Le Jing that came my way again and had agreed to be my prayer partner through my labour. This is probably the most positive keyword to describe my journey. I hope to keep the positivity there even though the start had been rough.
Now, as I rub my tummy, I know that baby is safe and comfortable inside. She has been nice, not kicking me at night. Not sure if it's cos she's small, that's why I can't feel much. But I love her and want to love her and will do anything I can now to nurture her.
I pray for a positive and spiritual encounter with God during my labour itself.
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